_{The Caretaking-Resentment Trap}

Hello Beautiful! Welcome back to another edition of Bloom. It is easy to get caught up in the busy-ness of life and focus on putting out the fires of dealing with the people and situations who are screaming to get your attention.

Pleasure often takes a back seat. It IS important, but it is NOT urgent. We weren’t taught how important it is for our total well-being. We weren’t taught how pleasure actually prevents resentment to build. How feeling resourced and cared for actually makes you a better human, partner, mother, employee, artist, etc.

But, that’s why we are here in your Inbox to remind you NOT to let weeks of your life fly by, being too busy taking care of others before you remember to prioritize yourself.

And we have cool neuroscience data to back up this claim that pleasure helps get or keep you out of feeling anxious, sad, frustrated, or angry and by strengthening the “care” network you naturally have for helping others BUT now learning to give it to yourself first, you can feel happier, calmer, and smile more.

This is your community of women, who are slowly and steadily building in new behaviors and habits (day by day and week by week) that prioritize ourselves and learning how important pleasure really is. Remember, this is a never-ending empowerment journey. 

In this week’s edition we are summarizing many of the main points from the upcoming podcast with Dr. Nan Wise (release date is 8/26/24) titled: How to Find Pleasure When You Are Caught Up in Caretaking. This is the second interview in a series with Dr. Nan who is a neuroscientist, licensed psychologist and sex therapist.

She has been on her own lifelong healing journey and speaks as a mid-life woman who has overcome debilitating panic attacks as well as a chaotic childhood witnessing violence between her parents on a regular basis.

Nan offers hope to many of us caught up in the caretaking cycle of giving more to others than we give to ourselves, so that we end up resentful and burned out. Giving from that perspective she calls, “Poisoned Milk” because it comes from a unhealthy place.

And the sooner we can recognize the ways we have been unconsciously conditioned to give to others (Human Do-ers), at the cost of our own physical, emotional, and spiritual detriment, the sooner we can break the power of these toxic messages and model to our younger generations a more empowered, sustainable way to live.

Change begins with us.

Feature Article

The Way Out of the Trap:

What I learned from this interview:

A COMPLICATED MESSAGE ABOUT PLEASURE

• The inability to experience satisfying pleasures is often a stress related phenomenon that predisposes you to depression, anxiety, and more stress and this becomes a very powerful cycle that many people get into.

• Pleasure is important. The brain depends on learning signals of pain, and pleasure. That’s the feedback. We are designed to move towards things that feel good and that give us pleasure.

• Nature wired us so that we would be seeking things like food, connection, care, play, and things that feel good and are good for us. Pleasure is a signal that ultimately, tells us that something is good for us.

• However, it doesn’t work that way in how we live our lives today. We are being shaped by “Faux” (false) pleasures, like social media, Dorito chips and things that may taste good or feel good but are not good for us, and actually leave us with a hangover or empty calories.

  

  Photo by Madalyn Cox on Unsplash

• The Puritan culture (the foundation our our nation) was based on the following: You need to suffer to be with God, you need to be without and you need to be humble. It’s a confusing and debilitating approach to life that pleasure is bad.

• We’ve got a love-hate relationship with pleasure

  

  Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

  BOUNDARIES ARE NEEDED

• One of the top skils that we have to cultivate is learning how to take a stand for ourselves…what we need and what doesn’t work for us.

• If you’re not attuned to yourself and you don’t recognize that you’re hemorrhaging your resources, physical, emotional, you are doing yourself and the people around you a big disservice.

• It starts with recognizing what you need, being approving of yourself, and self-loving. You start treating yourself better. You are not giving neurotically. You are balanced and you learn to set boundaries.

• You set a boundary for you, not for the other person. You’re saying this works for me. This doesn’t work for me. This is how this could work for me.

• We tend to think of relationship offenses like cheating, lying, being mean and doing something bad to our partners, but a big relationship offense is not taking a stand and prioritizing your needs and wants in a relationship. That’s your job 

  

  Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

BUT, NOBODY TAUGHT ME THIS!

• We were taught that it is selfish to put our needs first. This conditioning puts us into “compulsive caretaking”.

• And if we are worried about the nature/security of our relationships, we work hard to try to take care of other people to the point where we are overfunctioning for other people and underfunctioning for ourselves.

• This overgiving leads to resentment and burnout.

• We are continuing the cycle we witnessed from our caregivers.

WE CAN PRACTICE WITH FRIENDS

• Dr. Nan is a big fan of having your core group of friends to support you to try new ways of being.

• Tell your friend(s) that you are working on learning how to say a real yes or otherwise learning to say “no, that doesn’t work for me”. Ask your friend(s) to help you practice.

• Practice saying no without giving a reason….No, that doesn’t work for me. And leave it at that.

• The people who aren’t supportive of you establishing boundaries (they liked you better when you gave too much) gives you feedback on who you should be spending less time with.

• We also need to learn to ask for help. People with poor boundaries have a difficult time asking for help.

• You can ask using this sentence: saying “I want to ask you something and it’s perfectly ok if this doesn’t work for you…..(then add in the ask)…but could you watch my dog?”

• It takes time and practice for change to happen.

CREATE SAFETY AND PLEASURE

The final step to getting out of the caretaking resentment trap is to build in regular opportunities throughout your day to feel safe and add in pleasure.

This will look different for all of us. Begin to notice what feels good to you and perhaps keep a pleasure journal (more on that in another issue).

And that is what this Bloom newsletter is all about…giving you permission to look for new ways to create healthy pleasures that calm your nervous system to feel safe and cared for. Just for you and your benefit. Because you are worth it!

Stay open and curious to the ways, people, activities, etc. that help you to feel calm, relaxed, happy, and nourished.

Now it’s your turn

What is your take away from this issue?

Who is a friend you can practice with regarding boundaries? Tell her today about this email (or forward it to her) and become allies in practicing Better Boundaries.

How can you build in a small habit to create more daily pleasure in your life?

How can you create more safety in your nervous system?

If you want to hear the podcast with Dr Nan and me (after 8/26/24)

We would love to hear from you regarding the suggestions or your experience actually trying something new. Just hit reply, and let me know what you think or how you feel. I’m definitely interested 😀 

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